Vacation: Las Vegas
May 20, 2004 - May 22, 2004

Day One of Three – May 20, 2004

10:07 am – I get disappointed when my flight attendant wears slacks. I'm not discriminatory, though, because I fully expect the male attendants to wear a skirt, too.

10:20 am – Lady Awesome says she gets constipated when traveling. I predict she'll poop by midnight Las Vegas time, but she's probably going to intentionally not poop because Las Vegas is a betting town.

11:20 am – Plane food costs money now. The only vegetarian option is an eight dollar salad, so I decided to buy a veggie burger from Burger King for $2.19. It's heavy on the onions so I feel sorry for the lady in 38G, because I've got the dragon.

1:45 pm – Every five miles there should be letters etched into the earth so you can see what state you're flying over. Also, each state's soil should be dyed a different color so it resembles a map.

3:00 pm – This lady, Fanny, got a round of applause for flying in an airplane for the first time on her 90th birthday. Whatever. I used the airplane restroom and you didn't see me getting any fanfare. Anyway, we're here. Time to take a nap.

5:00 pm – I like buffets because I can put ten different foods on my plate, mix them all around and pretend I'm a food critic.

7:42 pm – Lady Awesome can't drink or ride rides yet because her colon has to defragment. I win!

11:00 pm – Saw a dead guy carried out on a stretcher. Way to make my slot pay off at 65%, dude.

11:10 pm – Lady Awesome is tipsy. So am I. The drinks are really good. I like them. They're good. We're having fun drinking these drinks. And Las Vegas is having fun taking our money. Happy 99th birthday, Las Vegas. We like your drinks.

Day Two of Three – May 21, 2004

9:45 am – I think I wrote the correct time. I can't really see the clock because my glasses broke by mystical* force last night. A little Scotch tape on the bridge of the glasses and voila… Las Vegas' coolest dipshit! I'm just glad I don't have to look at me.

12:17 pm – New hotel as seen through two layers of Scotch tape. It smells a lot better at the new hotel, too. Like a clown wearing vanilla juggling cotton candy. Off to the pool!

4:10 pm – God, I love swimming (and drinking beer while swimming). I did an upside-down, underwater, breast-stroke, which probably has its own name, and if it doesn't, then I would like to call it Totally Fresh Move 2004 . I haven't gambled yet. Am I on vacation from gambling? What gives?

9:40 pm – I just had my first “evening” drink. And I farted, so I can't complain.

12:00 am – Gambling should be illegal. I retained $9 of my original $50. Lady Awesome retained negative 25¢ on account of winning back one quarter less of ten dollars at slots and then losing said ten dollars instantly at War. Yeah, I don't know what happened tonight. What little money I had left, I used to buy some jumbo cheese fries. They were without a doubt the worst fries I've ever eaten, and I say that after delicious cheese was added to the equation. Regardless, I ate them all.

12:23 am - I forgot to mention that we walked for five hours earlier: MGM, Luxor, Bellagio, Paris. Saw a watershow. Saw a Monet exhibit. Ate at “Snacks.” Oh yeah, and generic Vegas t-shirts aren't shitty-Vegas enough.

* Canadian Myst-ical

Day Three of Three – May 22, 2004

10:47 am – Lady Awesome slept in. I read a book from the crack of light through the curtains. But she's up now, the curtains are fully open, and I can see to write an entry. Great. Pretty exciting entry. Good job.

12:02 pm – You'd think a place called New York, New York would have bagels. I walked away with authentic New York style attitude.

12:32 pm – Getting ready to go back to the pool. I'm bringing a homemade vodka/Sprite poured into a water bottle. It's not that mixed beverages are contraband at the pool; it's just that I'd rather give the casino my five bucks at the War table.

3:21 pm – The toilet paper in Vegas disintegrates like that! It's like egg drop soup.

7:18 pm – I just woke up from a really, really, really deep nap. I slept for an hour and spent the following forty-five minutes of awake time staring at the ceiling. It's a pretty nice ceiling. Not sure if I'll be awake enough to eat dinner at 8:00 pm. I might just end up staring at the menu for forty-five minutes.

10:38 pm – Lady Awesome and I had the best meal we've ever eaten together. We ate at Friamma Tattorie or something gibberish like that. Lady Awesome had sea bass and I had the best salmon of my life. It melted on my knife. This was followed by chocolate covered banana gelato and a loss of motor skills. We followed our high with a devastating low. Six hands in a row lost to War (a one in sixty-four chance). Thirty dollars gone, just like that. Didn't even get a salmon dinner out of it.

12:23 am – Slots were not kind to Lady Awesome and I. Had we not gotten three free drinks from losing fifteen dollars, I'd even say it was cruel. However, I played twenty dollars at the roulette table and walked away with sixty dollars. The lesson is: twelve is a lucky number. Fifteen and eighteen could learn a lot from twelve. You heard me birthdates; suck it.