Things We Hate, Vol. 4
by Sir Awesome & Sarah Brown
You know what I hate? When you injure yourself, let's say by accidentally cutting your finger with a knife, and afterwards the person in the room tells you, “Be careful.” What good does that do me now? Unless he has a time machine, that person needs to button his lip and pour me another glass of whiskey.
You know what I hate? People who cannot stop themselves from saying annoying pop culture references, no matter how old they are. Like if you say the word ironic, someone else will say, "Dontcha think?" It's like a form of autism that should be cured by execution.
You know what I hate? When someone listens to a rap song via headphones and sporadically raps out loud. I always imagine they're practicing for a show later that night as a member of the onstage posse. But you know what I kind of like? That they hear loud music and start bobbing their head, but to everyone else it looks like they're getting down to the sounds of a twinkling music box.
You know what I like? Double whammy: going to bed on freshly laundered sheets AFTER a nighttime shower WITH freshly shaved legs. That's like giving yourself a present.
You know what I like? When you're using scissors and you get in that angle-groove where you cut paper by simply by sliding the scissors into the paper.
You know what I like? Coming.