Movie: Ocean's 12
June 11, 2005

I saw Ocean's 12 .

If you haven't seen this movie, the imaginary you has chosen wisely. Regardless, I feel it's my duty to protect potential viewers by revealing spoilers. And believe me, when watching Ocean's 12 , there is much spoilage.

George Clooney's brilliant heist guy character has two weeks to pay back the guy that he brilliantly heisted in Ocean's 11. Naturally, he decides the best way to achieve this is to participate in a brilliant heist competition to see who can steal the world's oldest Faberge egg. If George Clooney's brilliant heist guy character wins, another brilliant heist guy character will pay off his debt. And if the other brilliant heist guy wins, then apparently you're watching a different movie; one that makes sense and doesn't require that you wave a white flag.

All I know is the “12” attempt to steal the damn egg by getting Julia Roberts' character to pose as famous film star Julia Roberts… Uh, is that right? Couldn't they at least come up with some clever made-up celebrity name, like Uglia Snoreberts. Things get really zany when (buh oh!) Julia Roberts' character posing as Julia Roberts runs into film star Bruce Willis who is on holiday to see this fucking egg and ends up talking to herself (the real Julia Roberts) on Bruce's cell phone.

I don't really know what happened after this point other than I desperately made my drinks stronger and Lady Awesome left to go play computer solitaire. Seriously, I'm rather surprised you're still reading the review at this point.

So here's how to not end a movie. George Clooney's brilliant heist guy character wins the brilliant heist competition by revealing that he stole the fucking Faberge egg a week earlier. “What a twist!” said no one. It seems the movie's director slyly withheld that crucial piece of information from the audience, because had we been shown the footage when the brilliant heist supposedly occurred, then it would have negated the prior two hours that I was forced to watch for no reason. Fucking selfish Hollywood pricks. I could have used that time to balance my checkbook or masturbate or something. Instead I had to listen to Don Cheadle fake his best black guy accent.

Kudos to Ocean's 12 for heisting my time and money. If they make a third installment, it better be called Ocean's Lobotomy.