Award Show: 2007 Golden Globe Awards
January 16, 2007

7:55 p.m. - It's not like we go around citing how Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman was nominated for a Golden Globe fifteen years ago (probably), so you may ask What's the point of tuning in to watch the Golden Globes? The title of the show says it all, my friend. Boobs. Lots and lots of boobs.

8:05 p.m. - The ceremony starts and... The audience members get to eat dinner while they accept awards?! I'll take tuna ceviche over a trophy any day. So lucky.

The only way I can tolerate self-congratulatory awards shows is to watch it with the sound off. This lady won for something that others thought was great, perhaps Best Teeth Whitening. I don't know who she is or who she thanked, but I hope it's that chef who made the tuna ceviche. That shit looks good. "Also, thanks mom and dad for fucking."

8:10 p.m. - Apparently the Golden Globes aren't very strict about who they let into their soup kitchen. These guys have something to say, and yes, it will totally kill your boner.

8:15 p.m. - The Golden Globes make me feel like I'm on the outside of an inside joke where the punchline is using too much bronzer.

Watching celebrities applaud other celebrities is like listening to your grandma reference her mundane, dead friends. Janice was the funniest person! Craig was just the nicest guy!

8:20 p.m. - I'm told that for the span of one year exactly, this lady acted better than any other actress that spoke in a miniseries but wasn't the main star of the miniseries. Her prize? A trophy that looks like something you'd win in third grade for correctly spelling nickel. I hope she enjoys her future garage sale item.

8:25 p.m - On every street in America, someone is yelling, "Aw, the only actor I've heard of from the only movie that I've watched should have won," but aw, I don't care anymore. The Golden Globes are like sex. You think you're in it for the long haul, but you just want that quick euphoric release of seeing Jack Nicholson's jowls so you can change the channel to watch a contestant botch Wheel of Fortune's bonus round. -- Mailboy, really? You didn't win $30,000 because you thought it was mailboy? Boob.