Fantasy Christmas Presents
December 18, 2006

For an unprecedented sixth straight year in row, the winner of the worst Christmas present is a big popcorn tin divided into caramel, cheddar, and butter... except the caramel and cheddar have already been eaten and in their place is a used VHS copy of Mississippi Burning.

But what about great Christmas presents? That's where Sarah Brown and I step in. The rules of Fantasy Christmas Present are simple. One of us suggests a name (real or fictional) and the other says what he or she would get that person for Christmas with unlimited funds.

Okay, go!

Jason Royal [actual friend]

I would get Jason every issue of Preacher comics ever published. Signed.

John Ryan [actual friend]

I would get John Ryan a walk-on role in a Jon Waters film.

Megan B. [actual friend]

Oh, nice! I would get Megan her own little cottage in the south of France to paint in for a year.

Your Sister [actual sister]

My sister. Hm. I don't know. She seems to invest all of her time and energy in her son, so maybe I could pay for his college tuition? That's kind of weak, but I don't know what she likes besides high-end Santa Claus figurines that she displays year-round. Maybe I can commission the dude who designs them to make a limited edition figurine of her with her miniature figurines. Again, I don't know. Pass.

Lloyd Dobler [of Say Anything]

Lloyd! Oh man. The sweet part is Lloyd would probably be touched if I made him a mix tape and bought him new kickboxing equipment. And gave him my favorite book. Man, I love that guy.

Amy Poehler [of Saturday Night Live]

This sounds dumb, but I feel that Amy loves her pretty hair, so I would like to help her maintain it with a spa appointment where she can try out free shampoos and other hair care accessories, like the 2007 Scrunchies.

President George W. Bush [and it has to be a genuine gift, NOT a joke gift or political agenda-type gift]

I would buy him a robe. Robes are comforting.

You're a very generous person. I was going to get him an unscented candle.

That's better. Maybe I should get him a pack of generic non-Bic pens. In black.

As a side note, whenever Lady Awesome asks about her Christmas presents, I tell her that I bought her tampons. Generic brand. Bought from a truck stop bathroom dispenser. And I only bought her one, but I cut it in two so she could also have a present for her stocking.

That's so cute. My old boyfriend Joey used to tell me that he had to run some errands, go to the dirt store, and the mountain lion store. He would say, "I asked them to please rile the mountain lions up, and give me an extra cranky one." My turn. To give you a turn.

Harold Ramis [director / actor]

I feel as though I am in tune with Harold Ramis and am certain that he would enjoy a bowling ball, a trampoline, and a pyramid of wine glasses.

Your cousin "Shiteater" [an actual relative]

I would buy him a furry toilet seat cover.

Michael Crichton [author]

Furry toilet seat. Sooo grosssssss. I love it.
And I love Michael Crichton (as a recipient, not so much as an author). I would get him a 1000x microscope with many, many slides.

New York City Mayor Bloomberg

I would get Bloomberg a certificate for scuba diving lessons, mostly because I think it would be funny to picture him in a scuba suit. He's the stiffest looking dude ever.

Gwyneth Paltrow, but circa 2001

Interesting limitation. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to explain this, but trail mixes from around the world. Like, one package is single serving and it features ingredients that, say, Scotland would put in their trail mix. I have nothing to base this on, but I think Gwyneth Paltrow circa 2001 likes trail mix.

Billy Dee Williams [of Star Wars and malt liquor fame]

I would buy him the very first issue of Playboy I ever saw, early 80s, with Grace Jones as the centerfold. I bet he has some good memories from that year. It would be a nice little reminder.

You should throw in the first issue of playboy, too, with Marilyn Monroe on the cover. I get the feeling Billy Dee likes vanilla frosting.

Ohhh, we are good. We should do this for a living. Buy people we don't know gifts. For hire.

Alex Trebek [Host of Jeopardy]

I feel like no matter what you get him, he would fake interest, like he's never genuine with his emotions. Anyway, he has a nice voice. He would probably enjoy a karaoke machine. Oh yeah, totally. Karaoke machine.

Dakota Fanning

Cyanide? Her robbed youth?

I was going to say a mirror with a picture of nice-looking teeth taped to it.

Lauryn Hill

Eesh. Whatever I get her, she's just going to badmouth behind closed doors. I think she would appreciate R&B memorabilia that allows her to feel better than the person it once belonged to. Something like Stevie Wonder's harmonica or Diana Ross's wig.

Sir Awesome, you are like a magician. That was poetic. She doesn't deserve it.

Crispin Glover

Oh man! Okay. I would buy him Neverland Ranch, and have the whole place populated with monkeys and retired Disneyworld animatronic humanoids.

Sarah, what is the secret of your awesome success?

Not eating breakfast, not being kissed in a year, and lots of internet!

I'll break the news to Lady Awesome gently.