College
April 30, 2003

Gather ‘round, high school grads. Sir Awesome is going to explain college for you.

All you do is drink and dick around. And then at the end of the semester, on the night before it's due, you scurry to type the sole research paper assigned to you on the first day of class. Forms of scurrying include:

1) repeatedly throwing a bouncy ball against the wall;
2) going to a library study desk and carving your name in it again; and
3) calling everybody you know for a few hours to tell them that you can't talk - you have a paper to write.

Then once you've turned in fifteen pages of triple-spaced blabbity-bloo, you celebrate by drinking and dicking around.

Don't get me wrong. If you're going to be a doctor or something where I'm going to get pissed if you “missed that day,” then yes, you have to apply yourself. Otherwise, where's the funnel?

Oh! Also, everyone is attractive. Even the ugly people.