Baby Namia!
February 1, 2006

So you're having a baby, and you want it to have a name. Why not let a guy who wrote an essay available on the internet help you decide? Be aware that the name you choose is for life. But more importantly, the name can never be outdone by another parent ever, so stick to the following suggestions and you'll have no regrets when you're on your deathbed.

TIP #1: Forego the societal standard and declare to the world what you love.

People often name their children after a loved one, such as a parent or grandparent. But what's wrong with extending that sentiment to, say, Gatorade? For some, it's love at first sip, so there's no shame in naming a first born after a beverage if it's close to your heart. Who's to say that Gertruade couldn't be the first president named after a liquid? Remember, names alone can't be blamed for limitations in life. Lil' Head n' Shoulders can have just as happy of a childhood as anyone else.

TIP #2: Changing your first or last name is a completely acceptable means of achieving a great name. And success!

There is a doctor in Athens, Georgia named Dr. B'hole (I swear it... B apostrophe hole). Now that's what I call a future of opportunity. His parents obviously knew the importance of a good physician name and demonstrated that you can pre-determine professional success.

I took a phone message at work, and the man's last name was Raper. I even asked him to spell it hoping there was an alternate spelling. No dice. R-A-P-E-R. But because he was fine with it, so was I. We had a good chuckle about how he totally rapes people.

What do you do, though, if you can't afford to change your name? Lie. Tell that telemarketer your name is Tarzan. I promise gratification or accidentally purchasing things under the name Tarzan will ensue.

TIP #3: All Chads are dicks. Never name a child Chad, unless you think it will lead to a good conversation, or you want your son to be a walking penis.

Communication is key. You wouldn't buy roses if you couldn't smell them. So don't just pretend someone named Michael Gash doesn't exist. Tell him, “Dude, change your name," or “Dude, your name needs to be changed.” It doesn't matter which one, as long as his specialness is out in the open and he understands that David Gash is way better.

TIP #4: If all the good names are taken, mash two up.

When the Governor and First Lady of Alabama found out other girls already had the names Kristy and Linda, they did an Oh Snap! on our asses and chose the neo-classic names, Krisalyn and Minda.

Allow me to introduce actress Maria Conchita Alonzo. You'd think with a boring name like that, that she'd be a huge star. The reality is, no one cares about her. Perhaps if her name was Maria Chawchito Alonzo, then she'd be opposite Tom Cruise rather than bagging groceries.

Obviously she could have benefited from famous parents, because for the finest baby names, just look to the stars. Penn Jillette gave us Moxie Crimefighter. Jason Lee gave us Pilot Inspektor. And the one that's really hard to top is Shannyn Sossamon's contribution, Audio Science. I can't even tell if those are boy or girl names, but they've clearly secured their children's futures as a drug addicts. Good work to all involved.