Concert: The New Pornographers
October 18, 2005

I saw The New Pornographers (the a band).

See that guy on the far left (in the picture on the far right)? He's one of two keyboardists in a seven-member non-synth band, and for the sake of this review I'm going to call him Unnecessary Semi-Useless Concert Keyboardist, because it rolls off the tongue. In the crowd was an enthusiastic fifteen year old fan of USUCK who stood directly in front of me. Was this kid a keyboard lover? Maybe. Was this kid mentally challenged? Maybe-er.

Which reminds me, if I can smell your shampoo (or lack thereof) at a concert, you need to take the back of your head and walk a few steps forward. Similarly, if you graze my earlobe when you clap, please remove your cock from my personal space.

As it turns out, the fifteen year old fan brought a friend to the show and their method of choice to show the band their appreciation was to point their fingers. They did so at the band and at each other, in sync with the music. These kids had clearly been practicing their art form since mom's car ride and rightfully deserved the attention they stole from the New Pornographers. Even USUCK, who they wanted to impress so much, stopped playing and said, “I am so hot for you two right now.”

I turned to Lady Awesome and said, “I think I know where those fingers are going tonight.”

Speaking of Lady Awesome, she stood next to a short stocky woman who chose to stand as close as possible to the tall dudes in the crowd forfeiting any chance of actually seeing the band perform live. Don't fret, though. The story has a happy ending, because that meant Short n' Stocky could focus her undivided attention on dancing like a penguin. See, happy ending… unless you're her and you find a review of your penguin dance written by a judgmental b-hole.

But back to the band. There's a lady in the New Pornographers by the name of Neko Case, who is one of two tambourine players in a seven-member non-synth, non-hippie band. In one moment of witty banter in between songs, those with Aryan blood were instructed that wearing the band's merchandise was on a “to-do list.” One of USUCK's finger pointers jabbed, “So is Neko!” The boys high-fived (not a joke) which confirmed my suspicions that they prefer poles, not holes. Seriously, Neko Case looks like Eric Stoltz in Mask. I'm not saying she's ugly, but I am saying that The Mask should join NAMBLA.

At the end of the show, Carl Newman, who is one of two guitarists in a seven-member non-synth, non-hippie, non-non-guitar band, thanked the crowd for being so susceptible to wasting time. Then the show was over. And then the band played an encore until the show ended again. Then the band played a second encore. And then the show was finally done.