Ask Sir Awesome, Vol. 3
September 14, 2007

Every now and then, my mail piles up and I like to address readers' questions publicly as a means of convenience and ego padding. Plus, it counts as another notch on my bedpost, so let the exploitation begin!

Dear Sir Awesome,
You kind of just blew my mind. Do you mean to tell me that [the Golden Girls actress who played] Sophia was actually younger than her daughter, Dorothy? How could that be? Is Estelle Getty aging rapidly or has Bea Arthur discovered the fountain of youth? I understand that the magic of television can make somebody look older than they really are (make-up, wigs, old-lady clothes) but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this news. I can only hope that your math is wrong, and that Estelle Getty is actually 127 years-old. Please tell me if that is the case, so my life can start making sense again.
Confusedly, Carly.

Dear Carly,
I'll have you know that the information I provided came from the crack research team at Parade Magazine. See, every Sunday I go dumpster-diving for newspaper coupons and every now and then I'll take home Parade Magazine because I want to know what is going on in the world of entertainment. And let me tell you, I am not alone. Alice McMahon of Riverport, Alabama also yearned for hot entertainment gossip. So much so that she addressed the question "What are the Golden Girls up to these days?" to Parade Magazine, waited for her letter to be delivered, and then waited again for a few weeks so that Parade Magazine could print the answer. It's because of Alice's thirst for knowledge that your world has turned topsy turvy, so don't you dare say that Parade Magazine speaketh lies, Carly. One day, your own daughter will become older than you, and Parade Magazine will be there laughing and pointing and laughing some more.

Dear Sir Awesome,
What, if any, are your thoughts on pandas?
Thanks, Jacob (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Dear Jacob,
I'm glad you asked, because I think pandas (or zebra-bears as I call them) are neat.
Sir Awesome

Dear Sir Awesome,
In a year, how many people is it appropriate to challenge to a duel?
Lauren (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Dear Lauren,
That's a great question. Kablammo! That's me shooting you before you would have challenged me to a duel, which I also would have won had we gone through proper duel protocol. The answer to your question is nine duels per year. That's roughly one every forty days, because it takes that long to Kablammo! Aw snap! I just shot you again and now you're gonna die even faster. This time, though, you won't be chuckling because the truth is that I don't know anything about duels or how they operate. Plus, you've lost two toes (see previous sentence about not knowing how duels operate). Surely you've heard the expression that curiosity killed the once-alive cat, so let that be a lesson to you, Lauren. Ignorance is Kablammo!
Sir Awesome

Dear Sir Awesome,
Am I going to say awesome when I'm fifty? Like, will someone tell me something and I'll go, "Ha ha, awesome"? I can't say sweet when I'm 50. "I have bunions? Sweet!" Bunions wouldn't really be sweet. That's just my 50-year-old sarcasm.
Alexis (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Dear Alexis,
My science lab partner in high school, Carmella, was a fuck up. One day she drew on her Keds instead of helping me. On the left shoe she wrote “fully” and on the right shoe she wrote “rad.” I thought You moron! Who says fully rad?! Apparently I do, because while that science lesson is long forgotten, I catch myself saying fully rad about every ten seconds. In conclusion, I don't see “awesome” fading away. Fifty-year-olds still say “cool,” but of course they sound like ninety-year-olds when they say it. So yes, that's what we're preparing for. A bunch of sarcastic old people who say "Dinner's at 4:30? Awesome, see you there."
Sir Awesome

Remember, quiz shows are very popular, but they shouldn't be because I know everything!* So get on the phone, hang it up, then email your questions to sirawesome@gushparty.com. You'll be glad that you did. Unless I humiliate you and your rich heritage. Which I will.

* Not everything everything. Just everything that you're going to ask.

Ask Sir Awesome  -  Vol. 1  -  Vol. 2  -  Vol. 3