Ask Sir Awesome, Vol. 2
April 13, 2007

Every now and then, my mail piles up and I like to address readers' questions publicly as a means of convenience and ego padding. Plus, it counts as another notch on my bedpost, so let the exploitation begin!

Dear Sir Awesome,
This is the most bunch of crap ever this is a good movie and the "P.S. The zebra totally wins at the end." is a the best ending to a review! "NOT" hahahahahahahahaha u sad person
Hmfck9kat@aol.com (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Dear Hmfck9kat@aol.com,
I come from a rich lineage of reviewers, so reviewing is in my blood. I don't even remember writing the review of Racing Stripes that you're referencing. I found the text written on a cocktail napkin after I watched the movie during a flight to the 2005 Awesome Family Reunion. Which reminds me, french fries taste good, unless you dip them in shitty Hunt's Ketchup. See! I can't help but be critical. For example, my favorite part of your email was the extensive hahahahahahahahaha followed by U instead of Y-O-U to preserve efficiency. So thank you for taking the time to offer hypocritical constructive criticism. Keep up the ignorant work.

Hello Sir Awesome,
I'm sure you have seen the new MySpace True ads with the girl videos. What do you think? The girls are looking and talking to me! I must be awesome too.
Thomas (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Thomas,
No. No. And I'll cut you.

Dear Sir Awesome,
Which is better (more satisfying), enjoying a glass (or six) of wine after a day of dealing with idiot customers, or just punching those customers in the face?
-Lauren (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Lauren,
Punching customers in the face is definitely more satisfying and I'll tell you why. When you drink six glasses of wine, your head hurts. When you punch the customers in the face, their head hurts. Also, those ungrateful, smart-alecky, bitchy, cheap assholes will regret messing with an all-powerful person like yourself. Just 'cause you work in sales/service doesn't mean they're better than you. They pay full price for something that you get an employee discount on! Those button-up-collar-under-sweater-wearing fools. They're lucky I just punched them in the face and didn't stick a glass rod in their collective urethra and shatter it, those walking, bleeding penises. Fuck. Now, where did I put my six glasses of wine?

Dear Sir Awesome,
I have just searched the web under vesicare for the Pipe People commercials. Maybe I am crazy, but I just LOVE those commercials. I was just told there is a new one, which I am dying to see. I just cant seem to catch it. Who is the creator of the Pipe People? “Job well done”. I hope they continue with them. I hope I am writing to the right person.
Sincerely, Laurie P. (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)

Laurie,
You've definitely written to the correct person. I am not going to bed until I see this new Pipe People commercial! And if there really isn't a new commercial, then I will stay up long enough to hallucinate one on my own (admittedly, it won't be as good). I can't claim to have all of the insider knowledge when it comes to the Pipe People, but I am an aficionado, so I'll tell you what I do know. The Pipe People are awesome. They are gentle beings with seemingly no motorized parts. As for who or what created them, but the answer is pretty clear. A steel factory fell on top of a genie bottle factory. -- Old people have the best commercials, for real. I can't wait until I get to soak in adult diapers.

Remember, if you're trying to earn your advice badge, there's no easier or more time-wasting method than Asking Sir Awesome. Do it by emailing sirawesome@gushparty.com. Just make sure you ask your question after noon o'clock when the Showcase Showdown is over.

Ask Sir Awesome  -  Vol. 1  -  Vol. 2  -  Vol. 3