Ask Sir Awesome, Vol. 1
February 6, 2007
Every now and then, my mail piles up and I like to address readers' questions publicly as a means of convenience and ego padding. Plus, it counts as another notch on my bedpost, so let the exploitation begin!
Dear Sir Awesome,
I assume that since you know about the True ads on MySpace, you must also have a profile. Do you get emails from True? Just wondering since my boyfriend got emails from them and he insists that its just spam email. Do you agree?
Alicia B. (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)
Dear Alicia,
I do have a profile on MySpace, but I regret to inform you that I've never received spam messages from True. Maybe the ladies of True know that I'm married so emailing me would only break their hearts further. Or maybe your boyfriend is a liar. Probably the former. Speaking of which, have you seen this new True ad with the woman who's wearing an oil rag as a bra? It's hard to pinpoint her exact geographic location. Judging from the hat she's a country girl, but the anorexia screams L.A. Wherever she is, it must be hot in that barn. Too hot for a full-length wifebeater, that's for sure.
Dear Sir Awesome,
So every time I go to peruse your archives the only thing I can click on is "Skor Toffee Bar" because I'm human, right, and then I never actually get to READ your archives because I get all caught up in laminating anti-nut placards and making toffee pamphlets and shit. This happens like five or six times a day. So if you could maybe take DOWN the Skor Toffee Bar review? That would be helpful for me.
Erin G. (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)
Dear Erin,
My usual day goes something like this. I wake up and check my email (like now) and then I eat a Skor toffee bar for breakfast. The next thing I know, it's two days later and I'm fully clothed. My stomach feels violated, but my brain says, "You liked it." I cry myself to sleep and the process starts all over again.
I'm glad to hear that I am not alone, Erin.
Skor toffee bar is some tough love.
Dear Sir Awesome,
I like the picture of you sitting on the toilet featured on the main page, but I'd like it more if that Sir Awesome sign weren't in the way.
Kim R. (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)
Dear Kim,
Thank you for asking, but that's not a question. I get asked a lot about whether or not my sweet meat is really on the other side of that sign. It's a valid question, and frankly, if I had amnesia at the same moment that I was naked in front of a mirror, I would be curious to look down there, too. So just between me and you, Kim, I am willing to let it all hang out. If you're not Kim, then please proceed to the next question. This is the honor system.
Alright, we're alone now, Kim. Hover your cursor over the picture to the left (Warning: not safe for work).
Dear Sir Awesome,
How come you're so awesome and I'm not awesome like you, as was stated as fact earlier in this sentence? This question is definitely real and totally legitimate.
Jay C. (Somewhere that there's internet, USA)
Dear Jay,
That's a very good question, person that truly exists. Probably the best question I've ever been asked since yesterday when somebody asked me the same question. The answer is obvious. If you were as equally awesome as me, then you wouldn't have anyone to cool the burning question mark going on in your loins.
Remember, folks. The first step to dying without regret is to Ask Sir Awesome. Email your questions to sirawesome@gushparty.com. If you don't, I just might have to go watch TV or something. Thank you for reading and good night.