Commercial: The Pipe People
June 3, 2005

Sorry, Fatty Boom Batty. Sir Awesome has a new favorite commercial to watch while he's waiting to see who won Showcase Showdown.

It's a typical day on a typical street corner when a typical person made out of metal pipes walks out the front door. Yes, apparently in the future our skin evolves into metal because we're such pussies about that whole flesh/pain thing. Either that or the human race was wiped out by intelligent pipe people who majored in beating us to death. Whatever, when the Super Volcano at Yellowstone inevitably blows and those pipe people start liquefying in the lava, my melting carcass will be laughing at them so hard.

Anyway, so out walks Pipey who, of course, looks up at the sky because pipes care so much about the weather. The sky is clear, yet Pipey looks worried because that means those “raindrops” came from somewhere else. He looks down at his naked pipe body (get ready for it). Where you and I have genitals, he has a spigot. And yes, it's leaking fluid. The solution seems obvious, but Pipey has friends to meet and doesn't have time to wipe his drips on the guest hand towel like you and I.

You might wonder where pipe people go to have fun. A hole house in the PVC part of town? Don't be an idiot. The answer is obviously a jazz club (makes sense). And let me tell you, this jazz club looks to be a wild good time. A pipe person with pipe dreadlocks is on stage jamming away at a pipe xylaphone. He's really quite good, judging from the number of pipe people paying pipe attention. I'm kind of interested in knowing what's for sale at the pipe merch table.

Pipey and his friends sit at an empty table dead center of stage, because those are always the last seats to go. A pipe waitress arrives at the table and brings drinks. Whoa, whoa, whoa! If Pipey drinks that, won't he piss his non-existent pants? Exactly! Adding to the predicament is he really wants to lay pipe in the waitress, too. Seriously. She's totally clank-able.

Luckily Pipey remembers something, perhaps a TV commercial he saw about those extinct humans with urination problems. It's unclear what he does to correct the problem, but suddenly his leak is cured. Maybe it was the jazz music. Or maybe one of his friends is under the table playing with his caulk. It's not explained, but I do know they all have a good laugh about the size of the waitress' drain.

A few seconds of the commercial remain and I still have no idea what product they're advertising. It must be marketed to old people because the slogan contains a pun; “Correcting leakage doesn't have to be a pipe dream.” If it were up to me, the slogan would be, “Piss off,” but unfortunately old people aren't savvy enough to step to my flow.