Commercial: Hot Dog Eating Contest
February 9, 2005

So long, Godzilla Pepto Bismol ad. Sir Awesome has a new favorite commercial. Join me, won't you, as I paint you a pretty picture...

We open on some dude wearing a bib. Dentist office, perhaps? Good guess, except then they show you other dudes wearing bibs. Oh right, cerebral palsy telethon. Close, but, no. A sign reveals it's the town's Annual Gluttony Competition, and the “food” of choice is hotdogs.

Fatty #3 (a/k/a the one we're supposed to care about) makes his gender preference known and starts mashing foot-longs into his mouth like a pro. But then he stops. Damn it, you forgot to ask if they were Kosher, didn't you? The advertisers are clearly tugging my heart strings, because I want this guy to be able to brag that he ate more wieners than the whore next to him.

What happens next is a medical miracle. We, the viewers, journey into the man's stomach! I don't know what technology makes this possible, so let's just say LSD. After a look-see around, ah yes, we see the problem… there are two foot-long hotdogs in this dude's stomach, completely unchewed, with the buns still wrapped around the frank. Equally frightening is that Fatty #3's organs appear to be computer generated, so if by some miracle he does win the contest, I hope a judge insists that he take a urine and/or robot test.

Just when all hope of another Girthie award seems lost, Fatty #3 finds a loophole in the contest rules that permits him to eat things other than food. He resourcefully searches his pockets and finds the Alka Seltzer that he's been washing in his pants for the past six years. “These condoms taste fizzy,” he says.

Back inside the stomach, the Alka Seltzer plop their way to the problem area, leading to another major medical miracle. The hotdogs begin disintegrating, blocks at a time, because the “new and improved” Alka Seltzer has seriously been practicing Breakout on Atari 2600. Within seconds, a pound of food vanishes. It doesn't matter where it went, as long as people who binge and purge are ignorant and buy the product.

The commercial closes with our obese friend who overeats for fun, as he rejoins the others in their game of hide the salami. Does he win? I doubt it, but the lesson he has learned should be prize enough. “When I entered a hotdog eating competition, I didn't know I was going to get hotdogs in my stomach. Thanks, Alka Seltzer.”