Commercial: The Fantan-No's
March 24, 2004

I was doing word associations with myself, as I do every Wednesday morning. For example, if I say, “dog,” I might answer back, “house… and Tom Cruise is inside with peanut butter on his penis.”

So this morning I randomly said, “Entertainment.” Normally, I might answer back, “It's fun!” Instead, my response was, “Suck it!” And I'll tell you why…

These new Fantanas look nothing like the old Fantanas. What am I, stupid? A year ago, I'd have my hand down my pants and I would have a real hard time choosing which Fantana was my favorite. But now it's obviously Lola (pineapple), since the other three make me wish I was bisexual. Fuck! Sophia (grape) is downright ugly. I'm talking, people are going to stop looking at, buying, and eating grapes. And the farmers are going to sue.

Coca Cola's subsidiaries need to stop thinking with their calculators and start thinking with their genitals. These new Fantanas are weak. I mean, I'm sure they can sing, but their looks make me not care who wins president anymore.

The ball is now in your court, dying kid at Make-A-Wish Foundation. I'm going to go masturbate to JAG.