Commercial: Camel Tows
March 1, 2006

A man walks onto a stage full of sand. Oh wait, did I say man? That must be the wine cooler talking. I meant camel, because man doesn't have body fur and a hump at the small of his back. Plus, an actor pretending to be a camel might as well beg for change or seek work from business men who like to yell, "ass to ass!"

Anyway, a camel that speaks English and wears make-up walks onto a legitimate stretch of desert. As expected, he's bitter. I would be too if my back always smelled liked crotch. Seriously, that's a state of the world you don't bring baby camels into. As it turns out, our friend has hydration dysfunction, which is why he's drinking a bottle of... Dasani? Did that camel win the lottery? I once saw a bottle of Dasani for thirty bucks at a convenience store, so I can't imagine what they charge in the desert. If I were that camel, I'd complain about the inability to hold a bottle of water with hooves.

Lady Awesome said, "Why is Dasani perpetuating the myth that camels carry water in their humps? Because they don't." She has a valid point, but then again, Lady Awesome also said, "My hump, my hump, my little camel bumps."

Which brings me back to my original point; camels shouldn't be spokesanimals*, especially for something I get for free from my neighbor's hose. If you've ever been within a hundred feet of a camel, four of your five senses know what I'm talking about. No hard feelings, camel buddy. I wish you the best with your bath and opposable thumb operation. Now stay the fuck off of my TV.

* I mean, Joe Camel is alright, but only because he's gone through the humiliation of natural selection.

Ooh, and his just in: Lady Awesome did her research. "Camel humps are full of fat." You got served, Dasani. Now add some Dorito seasoning to that shit.